trying to stay positive 8-5-09

I know this blog is prity depressing, but I am REALLY trying to stay positive. But I am only 51 days out from my wedding and it doesn’t even feel like I am getting married:( Others are scrambling to get final dress fittings, rsvps returned, vendor things finalized, etc. Me I just live my wedding life through weddingbee. I have nothing to do since we are realyy doing nothing:( With my health getting worse and no money to even see a doctor we have NO MONEY to put towards anything. I know this shouldn’t matter and I know I am lucky to have my fiance and to finally be getting to say I do, but we have waited all this time to have the special day and again nothing and all because of me being sick. Atleast I know he is in ti for better or worse and in sickness and in health, I just wish I didn’t bring more of the sickness and worse.He feels terrible for not being able to give me that day. And to have those special things for us. I tell him it is ok and we can’t have everything in life we want and he said “that is one day you should have your way” Making me cry right now even saying it:( He is sooooo great and I am sooo lucky just hard not to be sad for missing all the memories with your friends. I see all the stuff on weddingbee for peoples parties and such and I want that, I know that sounds like a spoiled child, but it is something I always looked forward to. But don’t have.I don’t even have a wedding dress to wear and yes you can get something cheap, but we can’t even afford cheap and I don’t want just something to throw on I want it to be something I love. I even had a very sweet few people offer their dresses but they have all been to small and the one that may possibly fit I am not sure I am going to have enough for shipping so we will see.SEE DEPRESSING, but I try and just remind myself that I am just lucky to have my fiance and that maybe someday we can have a real wedding. I do LOTS AND LOTS OF PRAYING TO:)